The Gift of Empathy: How to Support a Loved One Navigating Infertility or Surrogacy This Holiday Season
The holidays are a time to gather and connect, but for your friend or family member navigating the pain of infertility or the complexities of a surrogacy journey, this season can feel more like a spotlight on what they are missing.
They aren’t expecting you to fix their struggle, but you can be an incredible source of comfort, stability, and love. Sometimes, the most meaningful gift you can give is simply knowing how to show up.
Here is a guide on how to support your loved one this holiday season with empathy, thoughtfulness, and awareness.
What to STOP Doing (The "Less Is More" Approach)
Before discussing what to do, it’s helpful to understand the comments and actions that can unintentionally inflict pain.
1. Stop Asking About "When"
Avoid intrusive questions about family planning. This includes:
“When are you going to start a family?”
“You two better hurry up!”
“Are you worried about waiting too long?”
Why this hurts: Your loved one is likely trying - or has been trying for a long time. These questions force them to manage their grief, anxiety, and private treatment details, often in front of an entire room.
2. Stop Offering Unsolicited Advice or "Silver Linings"
Comments like "Just relax and it will happen," "Have you tried [insert unproven remedy]?" or "It's all part of God's plan" minimize their pain and invalidate their active, often intense efforts.
Why this hurts: They are already working with medical professionals. They need a listener, not an advisor. Dismissing their pain with a quick fix makes them feel unseen.
3. Stop Treating Them as Broken or Contagious
Do not treat them like they are too fragile to be around children or holiday joy. Conversely, do not exclude them from events or discussions without communication, assuming you know best.
Why this hurts: Isolation is one of the hardest parts of infertility. Their journey is a part of their life, not their whole life.
What to START Doing (The Power of Thoughtful Presence)
The most effective support is rooted in validation, communication, and respect for their boundaries.
1. Validate Their Feelings, Don't Minimize Them
The holidays bring conflicting emotions. If they share their feelings with you, simply reflect back their pain without trying to cheer them up.
| Instead of Saying... | Try Saying... |
|---|---|
| "At least you don't have to deal with noisy kids yet." | "It is so understandable that you feel sad right now. This season is hard." |
| "It'll happen next year, just have hope." | "I am so sorry you are going through this. I'm thinking of you." |
| "You'll be a parent eventually." | "This journey you're on is incredibly tough. How are you holding up today?" |
2. Respect Their Boundaries and Choices
Your loved one may need to leave a family dinner early, skip a photo, or decline an event entirely. Respect their choices without grilling them.
Offer an out: Before a gathering, you can quietly say, "We would love to see you, but please know you can leave anytime with no explanation necessary."
Give a distraction: If you see them getting cornered by a relative with intrusive questions, step in and change the subject to something neutral (e.g., "Oh, before we forget, have you seen the new movie everyone is talking about?").
3. Be Thoughtful About Pregnancy and Children
You don't need to censor your life, but you can be sensitive.
Communicate beforehand: If a gathering will include a major pregnancy announcement or a sensitive discussion about a baby, give your loved one a heads-up in private. This gives them the power to choose whether they can handle it.
Acknowledge the Surrogacy Journey: If they are an Intended Parent pursuing surrogacy, acknowledge the process is work. You can ask, "How is the agency process going?" or "Is there anything I can do to help you prepare?" - treating it like any other major, ongoing life event.
4. The Gift of Time and Neutral Connection
Give gifts that focus on them as individuals, not as future parents. The holidays are a good time to create new, low-pressure traditions together.
New, child-free traditions: Suggest a cozy night in, an adult movie night, or a winter hike that specifically excludes high-pressure family events.
Simply listen: When you’re together, try not to bring up infertility unless they do. Let them guide the conversation. If they open up, practice deep listening without interrupting or solving.
This Holiday Season, Give the Gift of Safe Space
When someone is navigating infertility, they are carrying a heavy, silent load. You can’t lighten the load, but you can walk alongside them.
This holiday season, commit to being a safe space - a place free of judgment, advice, or invasive questions. This simple act of presence and empathy can be a profound source of strength as they continue their journey toward building their family.
Author Note: Allie Moise is a founder of Cove Family Co. and a leader in peer infertility support. After years of unexplained infertility, she became a parent through IVF, an experience that informs her work supporting people navigating complex paths to parenthood.
At Cove, she helps steward a peer-led infertility support community grounded in trust, continuity, and meaningful connection. Learn more about Cove Collective, our peer infertility support community.
