Somewhere between the Halloween candy and the New Year's toast, someone is going to approach the topic you’ve been desperate to avoid: “so, when are you having kids?”
Infertility questions and comments at the holidays (from that “when are you having kids,” to the “just relax,” to the surprise announcement over pie) land hard, whether you’re on cycle eight, mid-IVF, between IUIs, or building your family with a donor or a surrogate. This guide gives you a brief, close-the-door reply for each one, plus the honest thought you’re allowed to have - and where you can go to find people who get it. It was written by the founders of Cove Collective, who have navigated infertility themselves, and who have years of experience managing online infertility support groups. Cove Collective is an online infertility support group — private, app-based, and here 24/7.
Maybe it's your aunt. Maybe it's your boss, two drinks in. Maybe it's your mom, who knows exactly what's going on and asks anyway, because she's worried, and worry makes people weird. Get ahead of the awkward questions - the most common below, and our full free guide available for download now - just drop your email.
How to handle questions about growing your family at the holidays
Navigating infertility is emotionally complex at the least festive of times, but at the holidays it can be even harder. Between our own lived experience and our years of running peer infertility support groups online, we’ve unfortunately heard it all. But with this guide, you won’t have to come up with answers for any of the invasive questions people love to ask during the holidays on your own. We’ve compiled a list of what you’ll likely encounter at some point, and for each one, you get two things.
What you say. Calm. Brief. Closes the door. No explaining, no educating, no walking your uncle through a science lesson on egg quality over the green bean casserole.
What you think. The unfiltered version. You’re allowed to have it. You just don’t have to say it at the table.
But you do need to say it somewhere.
That’s what Cove Collective is for. We’re an online infertility support group, anonymous if you wish, moderated by people who have been there, and available 24/7/365. Cove is a collection of people who’ve dreaded and fielded these exact questions, and who actually want to share the unfiltered version.
Try Cove free for two weeks → No credit card necessary. Direct quotes from the family friend who’s now your personal nemesis welcome.
A few ground rules before you walk in:
You don't owe anyone a status update. Not your mom, not your manager, not the cousin you see once a year at the ham.
Short beats clever. The shorter the answer, the faster the subject moves elsewhere.
Pick your pivot in advance. Their kitchen reno. The dog. Their fantasy league.
Vague is not lying. And a small fib to protect a three-day-old embryo is between you and the embryo.
You can leave the conversation. Put yourself on refill duty and observe that someone’s drink is running low, then go to their rescue. Coming back optional.
What to say when family asks when you're having kids
"So when are you two having kids?"
Say: "If there's ever news, I'm sure you'll be the first to know. How's the new place?"
Think: Oh, we're on it. Me, my partner, an endocrinologist, couple nurses, a phlebotomist, an ultrasound wand, and Kendra from billing. Little group project.
"You're not getting any younger, you know."
Say: “Mm-hm. Be right back - I’m going to offer some help setting the table.”
Think: Wow. I’ll let my ovaries know. They’ll be thrilled to hear it from someone new.
"Just relax and it'll happen."
Say: "Ha. I’ll get right on that.”
Think: Ah yes, the famous cure. Try this one trick, doctors hate it.
What to say when someone announces a pregnancy at the holidays
Thanksgiving and Christmas are peak announcement season. Being happy for them is great, when it’s available to you - but jealousy is also totally valid and normal. You can feel both before the dessert course.
"We weren't even trying! Total oops."
Say: "Wow. Congratulations."
Think: An oops. An oops!! I have a spreadsheet, three specialists and a needle in my stomach at 9 p.m. sharp. You have an oops.
"Your turn next!"
Say: "Today's about them."
Think: Love that my uterus just got assigned a turn like a Secret Santa.
What to say when even your closest friends totally miss the mark
“At least you can sleep in!"
Say: "Ha. I'd trade." Then turn the subject to TV. Everyone’s interested in TV.
Think: Yes, my lie-ins have been incredible. Nothing kicks off a Saturday like a 6:45 a.m. monitoring appointment.
What to say when coworkers ask why you're not drinking
"Why aren't you drinking? Wait... are you pregnant?!"
Say: "Early morning tomorrow. " Keep eye contact. Sip your seltzer.
Think: Three days post transfer, wanting to be anywhere else in the world. What time is it? How much longer until I can get home into my pajamas?
Get the full guide, free
The full guide goes deep on the people who know you best (which can sting the most) and includes:
Your mom: “When are you going to give me grandchildren?”
Your partner: “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” (More on the strain infertility can take on marriage here.)
Your best friend: “Ugh, you can have mine!”
The family friend: “And then, they got pregnant the minute they stopped trying!”
Your manager: “You’ve had a lot of appointments lately. Everything ok?”
The bonus round for donor conception, surrogacy, LGBTQIA+ families, independent parents and secondary infertility: “So which one of you is the real mom?”
Short replies for when your battery is at 2%
Texts to send your family ahead of game day
The holiday landmine calendar, Halloween through January
Tell us where to send it.
The infertility support group for the stuff you can’t say at the table
You don't have to be gracious all season. You just have to get through dinner.
But everything you didn't say has to go somewhere. The awkward wink. The "just relax." The cousin's oops. The look your mother-in-law gave you when you passed on the wine.
Your best friend will say "ugh, I'm so sorry." Reddit will give you 30 upvotes and a comparison spiral. Instagram… well, you know what Instagram will give you. (Mute them. Mute them all.)
Your friends at Cove will say "WAIT. THEY SAID WHAT? NOT WITH THE WINK."
Cove Collective is an online infertility support group — private, app-based, and available 24/7/365 - with Cove you don’t have to wait until next week when you want to scream into a pillow by dessert. Think group chat, not group therapy.
Author Note: Allie Moise is a founder of Cove Family Co. and a leader in peer infertility support. After years of unexplained infertility, she became a parent through IVF, an experience that informs her work supporting people navigating complex paths to parenthood. At Cove, she helps steward a peer-led infertility support community grounded in trust, continuity, and meaningful connection.
Jenn Creacy is a founder of Cove Family Co. and a long-time leader in peer infertility support, with lived experience navigating infertility and third-party reproduction. At Cove, she helps build steady, thoughtfully designed community spaces that offer ongoing emotional support throughout the family-building journey.
Learn more about Cove Collective, our peer infertility support community.