When Joy Is Complicated: Navigating Infertility and Surrogacy During the Holidays
For many people, the holidays are a time for celebration, connection, and family traditions. But for those navigating infertility, active treatment, or a family-building journey like surrogacy, this time of year can feel deeply complicated, even painful.
When everything around you seems to revolve around children, festive gatherings, and "magic," it can feel like you’re quietly carrying something heavy while the rest of the world moves on in dazzling light.
If this is you, you are absolutely not alone. And if you’re an Intended Parent moving through IVF, surrogacy, or early-stage fertility treatment, please know this: Your feelings are valid, no matter what they look like right now.
This season can be beautiful, but it can also be powerfully bittersweet. Here is how to move through it with self-compassion, solid boundaries, and dedicated support.
Why the Holidays Can Be Especially Hard
The festive season doesn't pause your journey; it often intensifies the grief, anxiety, and pressure.
1. The Onslaught of Questions and Pressure
Gatherings are often laced with well-meaning but invasive comments:
“Well, when are you having kids?”
“You’re next!”
“You two better hurry up!”
Comments like these may seem harmless to the speaker, but they can land like a punch when you’re in the thick of infertility. Family events can stir anxiety, grief, or dread - especially when you’re trying to keep your journey private or aren't ready to share a recent loss or setback.
2. Traditions Highlight What’s Missing
Every cherished holiday tradition - from decorating cookies to watching children unwrap gifts - can bring up a mix of longing, sadness, and what-ifs. It is completely normal to feel genuine joy for others and piercing pain for yourself at the exact same time. This emotional whiplash can be overwhelming.
3. Social Media Becomes a Highlight Reel of "Perfect"
The constant stream of holiday pregnancy announcements, matching pajama photo shoots, and perfect newborn Christmas cards can make it feel like everyone else is moving forward while you’re stuck waiting. This comparison trap can trigger isolation and grief, even when you are truly happy for the people you see online.
4. Treatment Timelines Don't Wait for Festivities
The emotional and physical load of treatment follows you into every room. You might be managing injections during travel, waiting on critical test results during a holiday party, or silently grieving a cycle that didn’t go the way you hoped. The weight of your journey doesn't get a holiday break.
Special Considerations for Intended Parents in Surrogacy
Surrogacy adds unique and specific layers of emotion to the holiday season:
You may be navigating intense hope and uncertainty simultaneously, especially if you are in the matching stage and feeling the pressure of, "When will things finally start?"
If your surrogate is pregnant, the holidays may emphasize the physical distance between you and the pregnancy.
You might be grieving the fact that you are not carrying your child yourself.
You may worry about your surrogate feeling supported and cared for during a busy, often stressful season.
These feelings are deeply human. Surrogacy is a path filled with profound emotion, connection, gratitude, and grief - often all at once.
Ways to Care for Yourself This Season
You have the power to protect your peace. Here are gentle, practical ways to move through the holidays.
1. Set Proactive Boundaries
Decide ahead of time how you want to show up (or not show up). It is okay to plan:
What you are willing to discuss about your family plans.
What you want to keep entirely private.
How long you want to stay at any gathering.
Who you feel safest talking to.
It is always okay to leave early, skip an event, or clearly say, "We're not discussing family planning right now."
2. Create Your Own Grounding Rituals
Small, gentle, and intentional traditions can help anchor you during chaotic times. Consider:
A candle lit for hope.
A new adults-only tradition, like a cozy date night or a special outing.
A quiet walk to clear your head.
A gratitude list that bravely includes the hard, messy stuff.
3. Limit Your Social Media Intake
You do not have to consume content that actively hurts you. Muting people temporarily is an act of self-preservation, not rudeness. Protect your space and your heart.
4. Give Yourself Permission to Feel Everything
You can love the festive atmosphere and hate the spotlight it puts on your pain at the same time. You can feel joy and grief, hope and exhaustion. There is no "right" way to be in this season. Allow it all.
5. Lean Into Your Community
Infertility is inherently isolating, but you don’t have to navigate this season alone. Support groups, therapists, online communities, and your infertility friends (old or new) can be a lifeline. Connect with the people who truly get it.
Actionable Care for Intended Parents
If you are an Intended Parent, give yourself special grace this month:
Communicate openly with your surrogate and your agency (if in active pregnancy). A simple check-in can ease your anxiety and ensure they feel supported.
Celebrate small steps of progress, even if they are not visible to anyone else. Every document signed, every successful injection, is a victory.
Hold onto the truth that your path is moving forward - even if it feels painfully slow.
Let yourself hope, even quietly. (Or let yourself feel a little protective pessimism for now - we’ve been there, we understand.)
You Are Not Broken, The Season Is Just Complicated
If the holidays don’t feel magical, there is nothing wrong with you. Infertility changes how we move through the world, and this season can shine a powerful spotlight on that reality. But you are doing the very best you can.
Whether you’re pursuing treatment, exploring surrogacy, in the matching stage, or patiently waiting for your moment - you deserve gentleness, compassion, and community.
We see you. We’re here with you. And you don’t have to walk through this season alone.
